/Seocracy.com/

Dear friends,

I am contacting all current friends (former-lovers and family members included) on each of the many social networks to which I belong, to let you all know some difficult news.

My current capacity for servicing and maintaining a reliable friendship-service is quickly reaching its limit. I am having problems coping with the current social-load that my friendship-service platform is experiencing.

I simply do not have the resources at my disposal to adequately service each of your friendship needs; the rate at which I am currently amassing new friendships is not sustainable, given the standards to which my friendship-serving platform has been built. In a nut-shell, I’m having problems scaling.

Obviously this is an important issue that must be dealt with before it comes to a head. Decisive action must be taken now in order to avoid any disruptions in my friendship-services, or any kind of roaming social blackouts. I am sure you are all applauding my foresight. Thank you.

It has been suggested that I might outsource to a team in India so that I could delegate surplus friendship-service-requests to them for handling. I have given this option serious and thorough consideration. At the cost of $0.03 per pleasantry-exchange, $0.07 per reassuring-comment, and $0.10 per flattering-remark, it did at first seem like a viable option. However, after bringing in an expert team of statistical-analysts to review my companionship-logs, I have discovered some inconvenient truths about the most common uses of my friendship-services. It appears that the greatest consumption of my resources are the constant ‘drinking-buddy’ requests that my friendship-serving platform has to handle. Unfortunately, I cannot rely on a team in India to adequately fulfill these requests to the current level of sophistication to which many of you have become accustomed. My research has shown me that the only way I could outsource the same high quality ‘drinking-buddy’ service would be to contract out to an Irish Rugby team. Unfortunately, this is not a financially viable option.

It has further been suggested that I might adopt a tiered service model; offering several low monthly payment options through which friends could access different tiers of service. Although it is my duty (as a trusted long-term provider of companionship-services) to make you aware of the options available, I want to reassure you that I do not consider tiered service to be a viable option to solve my capacity issues. I am a firm believer in friendship-neutrality. I will not accept money. Such a thing simply goes against the principals on which my platform was built.

Speaking of my platforms construction, I wish to briefly address many of you who have claimed that my friendship-service platform has been built on a language and architecture that are inherently flawed. I have received assurances, from both whats left of my development team and some of the smartest (and most erratic) experts available, that my capacity issues and inability to handle high social-loads are not related to the language or architecture of my friendship-service platform.

My friends, it is my belief as an experienced and dedicated purveyor of the finest friendship services available, that there is simply no physical way to scale my serving upwards and still maintain the high level of friendship-request-fulfillment to which you have all become accustomed. The only option before us may seem unsettling – and somewhat extreme – at first glance, however, I assure you that it will be for the greater good, and the community will continue to thrive because of the sacrifices we make today…

My friends, I am afraid that some of you are going to have to be ‘let go’.

If you wish to continue to send requests to my friendship-serving platform, I require that you prove your appreciation of my high quality friendship-services by buying me a gift of your choosing (not less than $20.00(CAN) value). I am sure you will agree that I really deserve it, and although I will not be able to contact each of you personally to express my gratitude, I’d like to tell you that I ‘really appreciate it’, and ‘thanks’. In return for your one time gift of appreciation, I will continue to provide you with access to my friendship-service platform and will continue to meet your social-needs without disruption.

As for those of you freeloading social-parasites who elect not to show your appreciation of my services, I am afraid you’ll end up on the chopping block. I want you to understand that there are absolutely no hard feelings. We had a great run, you and I. We’ll always have the memories. It’s important that you understand that it’s not you; it’s me. I wish you all the best, and if you ever decide to change your mind, don’t hesitate to buy me something pretty.

In friendship,